Mini Heart-quake and Dealing With Rejection Wave
The date went well but it ended up with quiet rejection and how I’m trying to deal with it.
My love life is basically non-existent, but at the end of 2020, on some of God’s miracles, I had a date. I haven’t been on a date for a long time, this is kind of exciting for me. The pent-up nervousness was a little bit overwhelming. I made up narratives in my head to help me relax my nerves. I’m telling myself maybe he’s not that cute, maybe he’s just as messy as me, maybe he’s just, you know, a regular guy.
That mindset was kind of working right until we met.
And boom, there was him. Ladies and gentlemen, probably the most beautiful guy I’ve ever seen for a while. He walked toward me and I let some OMFGs ripped a few times under my mask.
We had coffee — which I pretend that I can handle caffeine which I don’t— and started to talk. I was smiling the entire date. Thanks to my mask, I didn’t look like a complete fool.
It started off with “What show do you watch these days?” He told me he obsessed with ‘Friends’ and I told him my favorite show of all time is ‘The Big Bang Theory’. We bonded over our love of watching anime especially the ones from Studio Ghibli. I told him, I was afraid of watching ‘Whisker Away’ for a very weird reason that the cat was kind of scary and he laughed because he actually thought the same thing. “Right? It was a weird cat” he said.
Back and forth, we talk about works, family, food, and how my coffee doesn’t taste good. Four hours passed and after dinner, he drove me home. This is victory, I thought. I win this competition called the first date yeay! As if there’s a crowd marching behind us and cheering for me for not ruin things I usually did. I feel like, I’m on stage telling the crowd “You see that people! I did not ruin the date!”
Ooh boy, how the table had turned.
As we arrived home, we spent 15 minutes more at my balcony playing with cats for a bit. Suddenly, he stood up and said “I think, I’m gonna go now” and I said a bit startled “Oh, okay”. I could tell it was just an off vibe. He turned blasé as I walked him down the gate. I was standing still in front of the gate as he drove away, he didn’t look back.
I sensed this familiar feeling just wash over me. This feeling I’ve known all too well: a rejection.
And that’s people, how I know there’s no second date.
The Illusion of Control
My brain relentlessly over-analyzing every single conversation we had. Did I do something wrong? Was I being impolite? Was he bored talking about Ghibli’s character, but no way, he liked it. Which part that I ruin? My brain started to re-run every scene we had and trying to point out where it went wrong. As if I could turn back in that scene and change things so he would stay a bit longer on my balcony, or he won’t just drove away without saying anything.
Damn, it must be me.
That the only conclusion that I could muster from extracting every single drop memory of him that night. Rejection makes you dig a hole for yourself and trying to keep you there. It’s hard to break thinking “If I was prettier, he might stay longer”, “If I was funnier, he might ask me for a second date”. In other words, sometimes rejection made you think if you were perfect, it might work.
But that’s not the case. Remember what Selena Gomez said: the heart wants what it wants. He’s going to like me because he likes me. Just because. That’s all on him and it has nothing to do with me.
The heart wants what it wants — Selena Gomez
It is an illusion that power has been given to me to control over what I cannot control. I don’t have that power. I can’t control what he’s thinking. I can’t control what he likes or dislikes about me. In a way, I discredit him and somewhat dehumanize him by believing in an idea that I can make him like me — because of this thing and that thing and yadayadayada — without giving any regard to his feelings. And I know I need to stop.
I don’t want to be too hard on myself, sometimes I try to put some more positive outlook that he’s doing me a favor. He knew I don’t have the thing he’s looking for and save me from wasting my time. Well, for whatever reason, he doesn’t owe me any explanation.
What We Had Is Not Special and That’s Okay
A few days after that, I was still battling with feelings of shittiness. I curled up in my bed, pity-party myself for being sucks in dating.
At that point I was giving up my own mind, but still very much in denial. He did tell me those personal bits about him, he told me about his mom, he told me about his brother and how he loved being the last child. Don’t forget when he told me that my coffee looked weird and he casually grabbed my coffee cup and I let him sip it — he didn’t like it. Just like old friends did. Wasn’t that sign he’s comfortable with you? I thought it was pretty special, right? But why it didn’t work?
Later that day, I stayed away from my phone and take a walk around GBK just to get out of my mind. I noticed a lot of people doing workouts, jogging, walk their dog, etc. The idea that so many people have this same idea to work out in the same place around the same time, for me is astounding.
Wait, maybe this is what happens to my case too?
Then I started to ask myself: how many people around the world go on their first date just like we did that day? Probably thousands. How many people share those personal bits on their first date? Probably millions, if not billions. Maybe that just what people do, maybe that’s just what he did out of decency, maybe he also sipped another girl’s coffee cup too on their first date. Not just because of me.
As much as I hate it, I have to see the world as it is. I need to step back and see my experience as it is, not as I want it to be. To actually accept that our first date was not special, and it’s not something I should be angry about nor blame him for.
The-Preface-of-Something-Great Trap
People love the story of someone getting rejected repeatedly and unfold the bigger noble means or destiny behind it. They want it to be the preface of something great. But, let’s face it, not all folks find revelation behind it and I am not excluded.
There’s very little chance that I can be like Colonel Sanders or J.K. Rowling who established themselves to be the greats after many rejections. For most people, getting a rejection is just it. Rejected applying job? Unemployed. Rejected ideas? Just shut up. Failed date? Move on. I’m still probably not meeting someone else for two years or just put myself to work or doing something else.
But did that experience make me sucks as a person? No (umm, maybe for some people, yeah). Do I want to stop meeting people? Don’t be silly. Do I get to afford to meet someone this handsome? Maybe not. But that’s the point, maybe for me, rejection doesn’t lead me to an avant-garde revelation but lead me to life that’s just enough for me. Beautiful enough, kind enough, comfortable enough. Well, if I happen to be the next 1%, I mean, I’m not complaining.
But for now, knowing that I can be rejected then feel completely devastated and then dust myself off, and moving on probably is enough for me.
In the end, rejection sucks. It still stings no matter how much I say ‘I’m okay’, or ‘it’s not a big deal’. I was being rejected, I can’t help but feel unworthy and unwanted. But the thing is, I am processing this feeling in a proper way — well, hopefully — by not denying that I’m hurt and identify what I’m feeling and really trying to detach myself from it. That being said, I also know that this is not my first time being rejected and I’m always fine eventually. So, I know this time I will too.
I’m still looking forward that the next time I am going on my first date again, someone will think that I’m funny. That he likes my eyes or my nose and maybe the rest of my face too. And who knows, we’ll go on our second date.
note: if he texts me back I delete this post lmao
